Some weeks I go super broad in this blog– with topics that affect us all–you know BIG PICTURE stuff. Other times I write small–internal pulls–just me stuff. I can’t say for sure which readers appreciate more, but each week I follow my heart and hope for the best. This is one of those small posts, for all I could do was ruminate and observe nature’s reflection around me.
This past week I felt knocked down. Flattened. My mental shift came from a very specific and sudden sorrow. But the truth is, this sorrow was just a catalyst that lead me down a thorny slope into a dark place. I know I know, mostly I appear as a superficial party in the making, but shocking as it sounds, the last few days this Nine Cent Girl felt less than a nickel. I cried endlessly. Pity, doubt, regret, and just plain sadness filled my every moment. Nothing could pry me out of that mess either. After several days it became clear that an old grief had stolen my sensibility. One that would take much to uncover.
“As within, so without.” In conjunction with my despair, Autumn arrived. Night crept into day, coolness rushed us to hearth, and green morphed into color. But I had become so momentarily lost in my inner world that I forgot to see the bountiful harvest out my door.
So what did I do? Thankfully, help that came my way and allowed me to see beyond my troubles. First, there is love in my own home from a compassionate spouse, who knows me well. But there were several seemingly random invitations from colleagues too, all of which coaxed me back into the light. The first came from a group who, after work, bike ride together. After almost declining I did oil the chain, pump up the tires and joined the gals on the bike path. Pedaling and chatting lifted me, despite my despair. That delightful day, the first in a while, ended with laughter.
The next invitation was to join yet another friend for an afternoon jog. Again, I hesitated, still fragile, swirling in sorrow, but I took a chance. As my friend and I ran along the river trail, we fell into a comfortable conversation and pace and for a few choice moments the sun struck all around us. Again, I felt relief.
The last invitation is for a before-work swim, and even though we haven’t quite cemented the date, it is penciled up ahead on my calendar. The future uplifted me out of grief’s grip. Moving my body allowed me to move my mind. With this new raised vantage, I saw the harvest all around: bright, vibrant, and here.
I am reminded that it is not how low you fall, but how you get up that makes one’s life memorable. Thankfully there is always wonder ahead. Mystery in a future yet determined. And now, moving in the beauty of nature and feeling the support around me, I look forward to it.