Despite being born in a coastal state our little grandson found the sound of surf hitting the shore line terrifying. We spend months trying to coax him out of the car to walk across the parking lot and see the sea from afar, all to no avail. But eventually, as luck would have it, he held our hands and braved the roaring din to stand along side of us, feet in the sand, hesitant and uncertain, but there. I too have felt overwhelmed causing much self-doubt and uncertainty, even fear, not emotions I had much need for until we moved away from just about everything that made me me. But watching our little guy finally get up the guts to yell back at the formidable Pacific I thought, he’s on to something here. Time to land in this here and now and let go of fears. Time to yell back too.

Up until the moment the movers arrived I envisioned my life ahead in splendor, with time to write and paint, to swim under a blue sky, to do all the things put on hold by the constraints of a busy life. Yet, as one month turned into three and then six and then a year, I found myself more and more unsure of anything. The only list getting checked off was the excuse list. I’d been painting the same canvas all year, finding nothing worth holding on to. I’d also been writing a novel about nothing I cared about. Much like our little guy I’ve been sitting in the car screaming a loud no, (or at least that image works metaphorically). But watching him make the bold shift to take on that big bad dangerous horizon kicked me.

There is no doubt that the distractions are plenty as are the reasons why a person might fold into themselves. We are after all a country in serious denial about what is actually transpiring. We are all frightened by the headlines, the violence, the grocery bill or what lies ahead if we continue on this spiral. We are split by algorithms and ideologies but more insidious than that we are being goaded incessantly by those who profit by such division. Listening and finding common ground is the only possible answer but that will require distilling everything coming from every direction. A hard task as evidenced by those failing in our Congress. Fear keeps us stagnant, keeps us from stepping forward.

I don’t think my increased fears or yours are without merit, but on this day, I feel the desire to ignore as many as I can, and hope that you can too. Clarity will come, as will joy and community, if we step forward with a yes to life. There is little doubt that my creative battles will continue, as that just might be the nature of that beast, but today I write a new list, directed by small actions to continue the work I am certain awaits me.